Self help all my life convinced me I could never be depressed.

I tried it once or twice but it was too boring for me-Such a waste of time.

When I feel crap about something, I give myself a good telling off and pull myself together again (yes I do talk myself-I give the best advice).

I can’t talk about my feelings to other people. It’s like my face just goes numb from nose down. All the thoughts and answers to people’s questions still run through my head at the right time but my face won’t move. Sometimes I will stammer if I try but I don’t like that because I don’t ordinarily have a stammer.

Its easier to say nothing, say I’m fine or just joke about something and quickly change the subject. One of those usually works.

It should come as no surprise then that my daughter is the same. I’ve tried so hard to make sure she doesn’t turn out f’d in the head like me. I did all the things for her that my parents didn’t do for me; all the things that I thought made me feel crap about myself. But as it turns out, I’m still a crap mum and my daughter if just as f’d in the head as I am. I hate CAMHS too.

I’d decided that if she’s expected to speak to someone else even though she can’t, I can hardly encourage her to if I haven’t been able to do it yet myself. Hence a self-referral for that sort of thing.

The assessment did not go well. I suppose its difficult when the man sat asking you questions feels you’re being vague. As far as I’m aware, I answered all his questions. Anyway, the scores on those questionnaires equated a stressed and depressed person. I had to say- I could see why it may look like that from the responses I’ve given but I don’t feel stressed, or depressed.

Come to think of it, I don’t feel anything.

Weeks of wasted time later and no movement on the self-referral, I had an awful thing happen at home. Someone broke in, had a good look round but took nothing.

My response to that was weird, I just locked myself away and couldn’t think clearly at all. I was absolutely shattered. But most weirdly, I had really old work anxiety that just came back out of nowhere. Even though so much has changed since I originally felt this bad at work, the feelings were there again. They just came back.

Coming up to a week off work and not wanting to see my gp, I did what I always do-and got on with it, dragging myself through the last couple of weeks before the summer holidays.

That’s when I actually fell apart. This is something else. I must have just pushed myself too far this time.

I ache all over, I want to cry but can’t, I can’t get myself sorted or think straight, I don’t want to see or hear people, or do anything at all. But it’s not all doom and gloom, I still have motivation to make sure my kids are OK.

The counselling waiting list is 8 weeks long so I phoned some work thing instead and explained a few bits. It was so much easier over the phone than face to face.

The conclusion was, I was too depressed for the short term intervention that they offer so need to go through the GP.

The chat was very useful. She said it’ll take 16-18 weeks just to identify what my problems are!

The therapy starts after that.

I have suppressed my feelings for so long that I’m now numb and doing silly things just to feel something. Anything at all.

Privacy is important to me.

I have deep rooted problems.

She said all that not me.

Bloody self help. It fucked me up init!

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