She sees in 10 minutes what I don’t see after 37 years

How can the nurse be so confident that it’s Aspergers?

6 months on a waiting list for an assessment for something she can do in 10 minutes – why is the waiting list so long then? Are they assessing the whole world?

It was a mental health nurse. She was supposed to be helping me. The help is 6 months away, apparently.

Oh well, life goes on.

Just as well I decided depression is too boring for me. who can keep that crap up!

Depression?

Self help all my life convinced me I could never be depressed.

I tried it once or twice but it was too boring for me-Such a waste of time.

When I feel crap about something, I give myself a good telling off and pull myself together again (yes I do talk myself-I give the best advice).

I can’t talk about my feelings to other people. It’s like my face just goes numb from nose down. All the thoughts and answers to people’s questions still run through my head at the right time but my face won’t move. Sometimes I will stammer if I try but I don’t like that because I don’t ordinarily have a stammer.

Its easier to say nothing, say I’m fine or just joke about something and quickly change the subject. One of those usually works.

It should come as no surprise then that my daughter is the same. I’ve tried so hard to make sure she doesn’t turn out f’d in the head like me. I did all the things for her that my parents didn’t do for me; all the things that I thought made me feel crap about myself. But as it turns out, I’m still a crap mum and my daughter if just as f’d in the head as I am. I hate CAMHS too.

I’d decided that if she’s expected to speak to someone else even though she can’t, I can hardly encourage her to if I haven’t been able to do it yet myself. Hence a self-referral for that sort of thing.

The assessment did not go well. I suppose its difficult when the man sat asking you questions feels you’re being vague. As far as I’m aware, I answered all his questions. Anyway, the scores on those questionnaires equated a stressed and depressed person. I had to say- I could see why it may look like that from the responses I’ve given but I don’t feel stressed, or depressed.

Come to think of it, I don’t feel anything.

Weeks of wasted time later and no movement on the self-referral, I had an awful thing happen at home. Someone broke in, had a good look round but took nothing.

My response to that was weird, I just locked myself away and couldn’t think clearly at all. I was absolutely shattered. But most weirdly, I had really old work anxiety that just came back out of nowhere. Even though so much has changed since I originally felt this bad at work, the feelings were there again. They just came back.

Coming up to a week off work and not wanting to see my gp, I did what I always do-and got on with it, dragging myself through the last couple of weeks before the summer holidays.

That’s when I actually fell apart. This is something else. I must have just pushed myself too far this time.

I ache all over, I want to cry but can’t, I can’t get myself sorted or think straight, I don’t want to see or hear people, or do anything at all. But it’s not all doom and gloom, I still have motivation to make sure my kids are OK.

The counselling waiting list is 8 weeks long so I phoned some work thing instead and explained a few bits. It was so much easier over the phone than face to face.

The conclusion was, I was too depressed for the short term intervention that they offer so need to go through the GP.

The chat was very useful. She said it’ll take 16-18 weeks just to identify what my problems are!

The therapy starts after that.

I have suppressed my feelings for so long that I’m now numb and doing silly things just to feel something. Anything at all.

Privacy is important to me.

I have deep rooted problems.

She said all that not me.

Bloody self help. It fucked me up init!

Labels-so many labels

In chronological order, here are my official labels:

Daughter and sister

BA (Hons)

Teacher

Wife

Parent

Anxiety disorder (maybe misdiagnosed)

ADHD – combined inattentive and hyperactive

MA

Cert TESOL

SENCo

They’re the easy ones. Now for the questionable ones:

Aspergers

Communication disorder

OCD

Depression

Dyslexic

Social anxiety

How can one person be so many things?

I am odd

I am quirky

I am different

I am blunt

I am sharp

I am rude

I am bit weird

I am honest, too honest

I am direct

I am confident

I know what I want

I am a perfectionist

I do too much

I am hyper

I have no filter

I am not very social

I am wacky

I am dizzy

I dont listen

I am awkward

I’m like a dog with a bone

I’m an enigma

I’m funny

I am trouble

I’m a scatter brain

I flirt with everyone

I am reserved

I am persistent

I’m a do-er

I’m wise beyond my years

I’m a hard worker

I’m good at my job

I’m good with kids

I’m a great friend

I’m talented

I’m creative

I’m clever

I’m too hard on myself

I’m easy to talk to

These sum up most of the things I’ve been told about myself.

But I think:

I am a mum

I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a wife

I am a friend

I work hard to get what I have and look after it too

I am nothing special

I’m just lucky

I’m always worried about how I am perceived

I’m misunderstood

I don’t like people, they confuse me

I like kids though, they are honest and clear

Im not talented, just patient and can learn easily when I’m interested

Im interested in lots of things

I like things to be neat and straight and in the right place but I don’t have Ocd. I can sometimes cope when it’s not all where it should be and I definitely don’t lose sleep over a messy house

I’m not a perfectionist, perfection is subjective, I think it wasn’t intended for man.

I can be a bitch

I can be caring

I don’t like making mistakes

I don’t like being bad

I have no problems saying sorry

I’m riddled with guilt

I usually like spending time with friends but I like my own space and time too

I love making and fixing things

I enjoy my job and am happy to spend lots of my own time on it to get things right

I never have enough time to do what I’d like to

I don’t feel what other people feel – i dont think I have the emotions or I’ve switched them off or something

I’m easily frustrated

I’m tired-very tired